If you met me on campus during my years as an undergraduate student, I would have been dressed to the nines, most likely donning heels and wearing red lipstick and well-practiced cat eyeliner framing my eyes. Walking out of my apartment in just a T-shirt and jeans – or, even worse, sweatpants – was a nightmare I didn’t want to endure unless I was commuting to the gym.

Obviously, you probably could not tell if you met me on a weekday these days. I am all jeans – or cargo pants – sneakers and T-shirt wearing all day, everyday. You probably saw me in heels and a dress once a week, but even that is not as frequent as I’d like it.

So, why the change? Did I have no one to impress anymore?

Practicality is one reason, but really, I just did not want to attract the attention of anyone anymore. Not one soul.

For the past three months, I have taken to the streets for my job. I take public transportation all the time — the Transjakarta bus way, kopaja, ojek, mikrolets — and I go to places people might find…sketchy…namely the city’s police stations, district courts, highway patrol stations and markets. Now, these may not seem like the sketchiest places in the world — I know, a police station and the courts are supposed to be safe spaces — but constantly reporting on murders, rapes and child abuses on a daily basis is not a reassuring thing to hear every day. Sometimes I can find myself standing barely a centimetre away from them. Overly flirtatious policemen are also not the most comforting people to surround yourself with.

So, in a sense, it makes sense that I’m constantly conscious of what might happen to me in the capital. However, making a conscious effort not to impress also conflicts with my belief that wearing or looking a particular way is not “asking for it”. When my mum told me to make sure I didn’t wear nice or revealing clothes when going to the markets or to the police station, I assured her by saying that I was not “stupid” and that “of course” I wouldn’t wear such clothes in such places because I knew how to protect myself.

This attitude is a dangerous one to nurture if I’m honest with myself. By constantly making a conscious decision to clothe myself in order not to get “attacked” or “raped”, I am letting men think that how short a woman’s skirt or how much eyeshadow she has on dictates how much she wants to have sex, and all sexual advances are legitimate because women are forced to cover themselves to make sure that they are not harassed. I got into a heated argument with my mother about this once and it did not really end in agreement, to say the least.

But let’s look at the other side of the spectrum, shall we? What of the times when I decide that I do want to wear clothes and contour my face in order to impress you with my — nonexistent — cheekbones. But who am I impressing? If I’m honest, I usually get gussied up 80 percent for myself, 15 percent for my boyfriends and five percent for everyone else, if that.

An article I read a month ago on xoVain, “The No-Makeup Look Versus Not Wearing Makeup”, by writer Sable Yong, highlighted another dilemma in dressing — or in this case, making up — to impress: are you really putting on concealer to highlight your cheekbones or are you spreading it on as a crutch, because you yourself don’t feel confident going out with shadows under your eyes even though no one else might necessarily notice them?

She pointed out that sexism in society dictated how much makeup a woman wore. Wear too much makeup and women are told to tone it down — “Why are you trying so hard?” or “Men don’t like too much makeup, maybe you should wash it off” — but wear too little and people start getting concerned and give you advice: why do you look so tired? Are you breaking out? Maybe a little colour on your face will make you look more alive.

It doesn’t help that media catered to women often perpetuate such themes with headlines telling us “how to dress to impress”, “how to look naturally beautiful” or “what he’s really looking at”.

Women are expected to strike a balance in their appearances in order to fit what society thinks is “suitable”. In other words, a woman is expected to always look attractive in the way men think women look attractive and yet women are also expected not to look too attractive in public in order to keep herself “safe”. Neither is fair on either men or women because this means its socially acceptable for men not to be able to control their sexual desires in public and also because a woman’s efforts into her appearance would never truly be for herself.